Artwork: MIC '26

Chronological Excerpts from the Rochester Cult Massacre Reports

Author: SMR '25
As seen in: The Proper Bostonians #

Rick, 40

I’d better contribute something before anyone gets suspicious. “Let’s sacrifice John!” I yell. The Leader retorts that today is community garden day. I know she’s testing me. This whole sting will be wrecked if I’m outed, so I yell, “She’s not aligned with the mission! Who wants to kill the Leader?!”


Mary, 25

“Me!” I shout back. A front-row seat means good data for my dissertation on cult psychology. To maintain the integrity of the study, it’s important I don’t disrupt regular cult operations. Instead, I chime in, “Let’s try the Elrod method! It’s used in over 65% of cult murders. Or so I’ve heard.” 


George, 63

If the Leader dies, so does my Times column on the first-ever female cult president. Then again, I want Mary to know I respect the opinions of women, so when she tells me to kill the Leader, I don’t question her. I listen.


The Leader, 45

Don’t repeat this, but I only infiltrated the cult years ago to practice making friends. I’ve never made an assertive claim aloud, making me an amiable leader. I’ll ruin those relationships if I stand up for myself. So, when they’re trying to kill me, I let them.