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Artwork: AMC '23
117

How I Stopped 9/11

Author: RD '24
As seen in: We Like To Have Fun #

I strut into the hideout, the most beautiful girl Osama bin Laden has ever seen. 

Osama bin Laden: I will torture and then brutally murder in the most inhumane way possible any man who dares to lay his eyes on you. 

Every man in a fifty foot radius averts his eyes, afraid. Every woman in a fifty foot radius inches slightly closer, jealous. There are no nonbinary people in a fifty foot radius, a consequence of al-Qaeda’s transphobia. 

Me: I’m actually diametrically opposed to the whole idea of violence. It’s really unattractive, to me in particular.

Osama bin Laden excuses himself and grabs a telephone from the wall. 

Osama bin Laden: (over phone) I’m calling it off. Yes I know the bombs have already been deployed. I don’t care, just stop them.

Osama bin Laden covers his hand over the receiver of the phone. 

Osama bin Laden: (to me) Yeah, I’m the same way. Huge fan of peace here.