Artwork: IKI '26

Side Gig

Author: JTK '24
As seen in: The Quixotic #

Every pizza shop’s dream is a delivery driver with no obligation to the law. That, or an Italian pizza prodigy who’s a little rough around the edges but pure at heart. Or gaining access to a genie and wishing for a world where no one suffers and pizza is worth its weight in gold. Thinking about it, pizza shop owners probably have a lot of dreams. Either way, hiring me, a full-time police detective, as your delivery driver is the easiest decision of your life.

On my first night out, I broke almost every pizza delivery record there was. Total deliveries? Top speed? Parking tickets written? Check, check, and almost check. At the time, I thought I was just moonlighting for some extra cash. Little did I know I was reshaping both the pizza landscape and NYPD Homicide Unit for years to come. 

A few weeks into my tenure and every other pizza shop in the area was out of business. They couldn’t keep up with me, the 17 other officers I hired to deliver, or the scores of felons I released from jail under the condition that they bust up other pizza shops. I knew that if I kept it up, I would soon be the Pizza King of New York, drinking comped fountain sodas to my heart’s content.

The innovation that pushed me over the edge was the no-stop delivery. Using a combination of ingenuity and waylaid SWAT equipment, I was able to build an apparatus that could accurately hurl up to six large three-topping pizzas—and sides—at a porch while my vehicle was traveling 60 miles per hour. Once word got out about the Pizza-pult, I got the call. I’m going to be the Pizza King of New York. 

They don’t have a date for my ceremony yet, but it’s only because the current Pizza King is really old, and they feel bad taking the title away from him. Shouldn’t be more than a month until I’m up. And get this: I’ll be the first dual Pizza King-Chief of Police in history. I’m no man for politics, but Mayor is on the table. Jealous? I would be too.