Artwork: DL '25


Author: JGB '25
As seen in: Justice Is Served #

You know that feeling when you take out your laundry and there’s only one sock, and you’re like where did the other sock go? That’s how these freaking judges feel when I steal their gavels, I’m the Gavel Burglar baby, I steal gavels and take names, and I’m all out of names. I steal a lot of gavels, essentially, is my main deal. But enough about me! More about gavels. Basically, there are three types of gavels: gavels, gavels of the mind (philosophy the arts and gavels made out of brains), and the gentleman’s gavel which is the song Radioactive by Imagine Dragons. I came up with these categories myself and I am very proud of them.

I do not use my stolen gavels to punctuate rulings and proclamations, because I am not a judge (I am an uber driver named Justus). Why then, do I keep stealing  — I remember. I steal gavels with the sole purpose of filling my Gavel Wagon, the child-size red wagon where I keep my dozens of gavels and fly at illegal speeds down the hills of San Francisco. I plan to one day become mayor of this town.

“Uhh-huhh! Gavels, baby! Peace and love.” -> my catchphrase when I’m goin’ full gavel mode, one in each hand, bonkin’ people, just absolutely hog wild.

When I am mayor of this city, I will fulfill my three campaign promises: 

1) No Preference shall be given by any Regulation of Commerce or Revenue to the Ports of one State over those of another

2) I feel like there’s too many banks?

3) I will own snakeskin gavels that are glow in the dark. 

It’s like I always say — “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED????” which is what I say to strangers in public areas when I’m bangin’ gavels on my head at absolute max speed.

In sum, I need gavels to fill my gavel wagon because the gavel wagon is an essential part of my brand. Also from earlier my snakeskin glow-in-the-dark gavels will have Bluetooth. Finally, I guess I see things a little differently. When I look at you, I don’t see a Democrat, or a Republican — I see a human being? Whoa.