Artwork: ghost

President’s Little Helper

Author: FOD '24
As seen in: Best Served Cold #

Chief of Staff: Mr. President, he’s here. The solution to all of our problems.  
President: This is the man that’s gonna turn everything around? 
Chief of Staff: He’s the wackiest guy there is. If anyone can win back the hearts of an American  public left disillusioned by our failures, it’s him.  
Mr. Helper: Hello? Am I a banana? Do I live in a banana world?  
President: God damn.  
Chief of Staff: I told you he’s good.  


Reporter: What is the White House’s planned response to the growing economic crisis?        
Chief of Staff: I think you’ll find this little guy here can explain things much better than me. 
Mr. Helper: Does anyone want a lollipop? Cause I sure do.  
Reporter: We’d rather hear what the President has to say on this issue.  
President: He speaks for me.  
Reporter: Mr. Helper, what are the President’s priorities on this issue?  
Mr. Helper: The President’s priorities will involve cutting social security and slashing corporate  tax, the budget’s been at a deficit for too long.  
Chief of Staff: Wait, that’s the exact opposite of what we discus- 
President: Hank, hold on. I wanna see where he goes with this.  
Mr. Helper: Okay, time for my nap.  


First Lady: Jim, I just don’t think Mr. Helper should be allowed to make family decisions.  President: Please, Cathy, just give the guy a chance. The kids and I really like him. 
First Lady: Well I don’t. I think he’s trying to replace me. He’s not even funny — he’s just  doing a lot of low-brow prop material.  
Mr. Helper: Bad Cathy. (Smacks First Lady with his big foam mallet) Your insecurity is scaring  the kids. I think you need to take a break from seeing them.  
President: I agree. Cathy, how about you go to Grandma’s for the weekend?  

General: Mr. President, this is serious. Iraq’s aggression demands a response. 
President: I’m not so sure about it, is force the only option?  
General: Sir, these are dire times.  
President: What do you think, Mr. Helper?  
Mr. Helper: Mr. President, American power in the Middle East has been under pressure for quite some time – we need to respond with force.  
President: If you say so. Should we at least do it in a fun way?  
Mr Helper: Sir, there is nothing wacky about keeping America safe.  

President: It’s been a hard-fought re-election campaign, and I’m disappointed to admit it, but  we’ve lost. A princess birthday-themed campaign may not have been the best choice, despite the  considerable savings on fundraiser dinner decorations, but my strategists believed in it, and by  God, I believe in them. Please, everyone, help yourselves to some rainbow unicorn cake. We’ve  got a lot of it.