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Pieces

Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me
27
BWM '19-'21   •   September 2020
Peter Sagal: Thaaaanks Bill, it’s the week between Christmas and new years and we here at Wai…
If Money Grew On Trees
62
SAB '24   •  
- Environmental protection would be bipartisan. - In the fall, you could substitute real money wit…
Whack-A-Mole
90
FOD '24   •   January 2022
I walk in every morning and the arcade carny asks me, “what’ll it be?” I reply…
Larry Purchases a Masturbation Bot
Anonymous   •   March 2020
Larry: Power on Masturbation Bot 3000: (turns on, starts fingering self)  Larry: Jesus&helli…
Mr. 305
43
FOD '24   •   September 2021
Ever had somebody tell you that you looked like a celebrity? For some it’s a blessing, but fo…
The Trial of the Decade
17
MMM '20   •   October 2020
Frankly, it seemed certain that Marco would get lunch detention. Frank Lee, our principal, along wi…
Krauts
13
BWM '19-'21   •   October 2020
Legend has it while serving in the trenches in WWI Wittgenstein would masturbate to math. German S…
Organ Harvesting
63
JGB '25   •  
Dealer: Just give me the money. Buyer: Hang on. I want to see the goods first. (Dealer motions to…
Times That an Extinction-Level Nuclear War Would Really Suck
62
SAB '24   •   May 2022
- One day before technology that makes everyone live forever is invented - One hour before all the…
Half Day
11
MAG '21-'22   •   March 2019
Good afternoon, parents. Principal Mueller here calling to inform you that your student has been re…
Sleeper Agent
65
RYSL   •   May 2023
My first company-wide meeting as chairman started smoothly, but when I announced my plan to ban uni…
Birthday Card
21
RIP '09   •   October 2008
GRANDFATHER: Here’s a card from me. Happy birthday. SON: Thanks, grandpa. MOTHER: Read it a…
Inventing the Wheel
8
MFP '23-24   •   July 2021
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you… the wheel! (Roaring applause) Just what exac…