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Pieces

Non-Confrontational Judge
39
JKF '25   •   May 2023
Thank you all so much for showing up to the courthouse this morning, even in the rain. Over the pas…
Dinosaur Story
25
FOD '24   •   May 2022
Tour Guide: We’ve finally reached the Chicxulub crater, everyone, the site of the explosion t…
Gorilla Larry
18
BWM '19-'21   •   October 2020
– Woo wooo  eeh  ahhh  wooo  *feeds on stems*. – There he is, what…
Debugging
103
FOD '24   •   March 2023
My story begins with me working as an engineer on one of the first computers in the world, wh…
The Flu Game
10
HFJ '18   •   May 2021
And Jordan moves left… Spins around Stockton… Wretches nine times and DRAINS the mid-…
Midnight Train
3
AJ '18   •   December 2020
Me: Hello, I’m here to catch the midnight train to Georgia. Station Manager: Well, it will b…
Life After the Lampoon
18
JFAR '19-'22   •   August 2019
Conan O’Brien: Juan, congrats on graduating! Here, take this. Me: Wow, another Ferrari! Con…
The Black Death
50
YMC '21-'22   •   March 2022
- Anne, mine old friend, I… I hast been touch'd by the bubonic plague.- Nay! Prithee, Margar…
Missy Manners
126
Josh Lieb '93   •   November 2020
Okay, so you’re in the cafeteria. They’re serving peas. The boy across from you is thro…
Kashan Rugs
10
EAH   •   May 2022
Chained To A Tree
68
EAT '24   •  
When they were all like “We need someone to chain themselves to this tree!” I was all l…
Barbershop Quartet
ZDG '20   •   January 2020
Lead: Fellas, meet the new fifth member of our quartet–Tom! Bass: Swell to meet ya Tom! Bar…
Chronological Excerpts from the Rochester Cult Massacre Reports
64
SMR '25   •   September 2022
Rick, 40 I’d better contribute something before anyone gets suspicious. “Let’s s…
Lampy Goes to Bartaco
63
The Harvard Lampoon   •   October 2022
What is the only thing Harvard students like more than telling people they went to school “ri…
Keynote Speech
2
SWR '19-'20   •   December 2020
And that is how Denta-Firm is changing the game, as the world’s first ever blood-free tooth…
Eulogy
46
JKF '25   •   September 2022
Welcome, Parishers. I am honored to speak in this holy chapel. You may call me Father Tod. I am not…
The Taco Bell on Beverly
30
HBF '19   •   January 2020
“Where are you going?” you ask the homeless man wandering down San Vicente. “Don&…
Gun Show
1
MAG '21-'22   •   July 2021
Turbus: And this here is the Heckler and Koch SR9, with extra bolt-action to make your kills absolu…
Tuxedo
13
MAS '18   •   September 2020
Glad I’ve got someone interested in buying Tuxedo. My father died in this tuxedo, and then it…
Laser Danger
30
MAG '21-'22   •   January 2022
Before dying of liver failure, action stuntman Laser Danger said some of the coolest things utter…