What’s New
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional #
Winter 2024
Imaginary Friends #
Spring 2024
This issue is not real, but merely a figment of your imagination...
Check it Out
Crimson Parody
Spring ’25
The Lampoon's Spring 2025 parody of the Harvard Crimson
The Latest
My Pitch
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by JKF '25
Oh, you want my... startup idea? Well, no, I couldn’t...
F.B.I. Agent
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by KMB '26
Yes, it’s me. I’m the one listening into every call, text, or video you’ve ever sent. It’s just me though...
Joey Chestnut
Imaginary Friends # • by MSS ’25
Joey Chestnut is a competitive eater and sixteen-time winner...
Confessional
README # • by SMR '25
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned...
Meeting My Biological Dad On Slither.io
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by LKN '25
“I’m ready,” I said, taking a deep breath. Mom and Daniel gave me a big hug. “You’re more than ready, champ...
Bug Date
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by MSS ’25
Heyy! sorry i feel like i was talking ur ear off last night about all the different new types of meditation ive come up w hahaha...
Party Store
Imaginary Friends # • by BJS ’25
Hey, Dave? You know that unicorn piñata...
If Animal Farm Critiqued Other Stuff
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by AWE '27
Jobbly: Origin Story
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by HRF '25
Jobbly-joobly;
jibbly, jobbly...
What Would You Do?
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by RB '26
What Would You Do? is a hidden camera show where ordinary citizens face moral dilemmas...
Waking Up From A Coma
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by AWE '27
Hey Bruce, how’d you sleep? I hope it was good, because we have a lot to discuss now that you’re awake. Remember Jibbly from our wedding...
Paranoia
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by CYL '26
Kevin: Umm, I guess I would have to say Amy...
Deep Cuts
Larry Purchases a Masturbation Bot
Larry vs. the Infernal Machine # • by Anonymous
Larry: Power on
Masturbation Bot 3000: (turns on, starts fingering self)
Larry: Jesus… This is pe...
Blizorps
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by SMR '25
In the year 2000, the Creator of Planet Blizorping put two Blizorps in sleeper pods to travel to Earth...
A Day in the Life of Hamish Olsen, New York, 19
Symphonia Fantastica # • by CDL '21
She looked at him like a deer in headlights might look at someone if it had human eyes. Hamish had i...
Sunset Comix
Nantucket Sleighride # • by YMC '21-'22
WWE
My Creation Myth # • by ASB '17
Announcer: In the red corner, he’s your favorite all-American punisher, it’s Joe “Big Guns”
Wilson!...
Letter to Roosevelt
The ▵S=Sf – Si = ∫dQ/T # • by MMM '20
In 1939, at the urging of physicist Leo Szilárd, Einstein wrote a letter to FDR, informing him of th...
Larry Buys Condoms
Larry vs. the Infernal Machine # • by BWM '19-'21
Larry: Hey, can I get some rubbers.
Clerk: Yeah, sure, what kind of johnny you looking for, smooth...
Shamu Comix
Seasons of Life • by JFAR '19-'22
Written by: DRM ’18
Art by: JFAR ’19-22
The Time I Got Caught Milking
The ▵S=Sf – Si = ∫dQ/T # • by YMC '21-'22
One time I was at the farm, milking some cows when Bobby, the guy that owns the farm, comes out runn...
What I Imagine Summer Camp is Like
Break of Day # • by SVG '18
1. Toodle-ee-doo! The trumpet song wakes me up—time to canoe to breakfast.
2. I eat slop with the g...
How Cancer Eventually Got Cured
The Unstoppable March # • by YMC '21-'22
Before you say anything, we know what you’re thinking: why should you care that cancer eventually go...
Marco Polo
Smellfungus # • by HJH '19
Marco Polo travelled the world trading spices, documenting his experiences.
Today, I entered the ci...