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For Your Consideration #


Issue Editor:
Art Editor:
Publication: July 2020

Dear Judging Committee for the American Society for Magazine Editors,

I notice you have not been receiving my letters. I can not emphasize enough how much I respect your work, despite the fact that my letters were all addressed to a fictional individual whom I created with the intent of confusing your mailman such that he simply delivers your award to 44 Bow St to avoid finding the home of “Emoji Jones.” Without your magazine awards, we would not know what magazine is good. And for that, I am grateful.


Pieces

...
Crying in the Rain
October 2020
And I mean yeah they can’t see you cry in the rain, but shit right through your pants? People…
...
There’s No More Gazpacho In The Cupboard
1
October 2020
– What? – There’s no more cans of gazpacho in our cupboard. The hell am I suppos…
...
J. Robert Oppenheimer signs an NDA
18
October 2020
– You understand that after you sign this document you cannot discuss the Manhattan Proj…
...
Cryobank Waiting Room
150
October 2020
-       First time? -       Yeah. Gotta pay rent somehow.  - &…
...
My Piece About What It Would Be Like If I Wrote A Piece for the FYC #
1
October 2020
– What started out as a frankly disgusting case of unbelievable obesity had snowballed into a…
...
Shark Tank U.S.S.R
21
October 2020
Host: Welcome to Shark Tank USSR.  Alexei: Privet, sharks. Today I am asking for 0 rubles in …
...
Vanitas
October 2020
Dear Judging Committee for the American Society for Magazine Editors, I notice you have not been r…
...
2020 International Video Game Awards Acceptance Speech
10
October 2020
Oh, thank you, really thank you so much. This award…it truly means so much to me. Well, it l…
...
Mall Santa
18
October 2020
Beep. Beep. Beep. 5:15 AM. I sigh. I brew my morning coffee and catch up on the news — just …
...
Street Fight
October 2020
Biker #1: You shouldn’t have knocked that drink out of my hand in there. Now you’re gon…
...
Bad Days
10
October 2020
– When Dad broke out of jail and decided to hold his second family hostage instead of ours. …
...
TV Salesman
13
October 2020
Bread the TV Salesman started the day like any other: with a hot cup of coffee and a curse to his m…
...
TV Salesman
October 2020
Bread the TV Salesman started the day like any other: with a hot cup of coffee and a curse to his m…
...
Operation Enduring Freedom
October 2020
George Bush:  Good afternoon. On my orders the United States military has begun coordinated at…
...
Best Picture
4
October 2020
But just what a year for movies! All my friends tell me, they tell me George Clooney, you love movi…
...
How Long Have You Been Unemployed?
October 2020
Uncle Buck: That’s an incredibly personal question. Me: I’m just asking because I&rsqu…
...
Answering Machine
October 2020
– (pickup) Hello? – Doc?! Is that you? It’s Billy.  – The Doctor is …
...
A Retelling of Jaws By Someone Who Has Definitely Seen It
8
October 2020
Jaws…yes. Jaws is the story of a very big shark. Everyone knows that. Especially those who h…
...
Femme Fatale
October 2020
She walks into the room and grabs my attention. Or maybe she grabs my hand. I’m shaking now. …
...
A Taste of My Own Medicine
8
October 2020
Most people don’t believe this, but my job wasn’t always swindling terminally-ill peopl…
...
Blockbuster
12
October 2020
The year is 2004. It’s Friday in 2004. You head to the Blockbuster in 2004 with your dad to r…
...
Hamilton
102
October 2020
This is the real story of something that occurred to me in 2008. John Weidman ‘68: I hear we…