Artwork: ghost

Business Presentation

Author: CDL '21
As seen in: Last Ditch Effort #

ME: And by subverting double axial capital inflows we can mobilize revenue twice as fast.

SMITH: I’ve heard this before, Johnson…

CHESTER: (Smashes through plate glass door) I’ve got the drinks!

SMITH: Johnson, what kind of a stunt is this?

ME: I––I’m so sorry Mr. Smith. That’s Chester. (Sighs) He’s… he’s my cousin.

CHESTER: Black coffee with two milks and big sugars coming right up!

ME: Anyway, my plan is to redirect consumer––

CHESTER: Hey, Mr. Business! I live in a shoe in the Pacific Ocean.

ME: He lingers if you pay attention to him, so don’t. (Massages temples) He’s like the Tooth Fairy, sir, except he always insists on teaching kids about sex.

CHESTER: Sex is easy: just dingle your dangle.

SMITH: Johnson, I must say, this is highly unusual.

CHESTER: Touch my string.

ME: Don’t touch that, Mr. Smith. That’s his foreskin.

SMITH: It’s… prehensile.

ME: Stop tugging on Mr. Smith’s earlobe, Chester.

SMITH: Oh I don’t mind. It’s rather soothing. Anyway, Johnson, back to your spiel.

ME: Essentially, we optimize market capture mechanisms before our competitors do.

CHESTER: I nomi––

ME: Chester, no.

CHESTER: I nominate my cousin!

ME: (Unenthusiastically does ALS Ice Bucket Challenge)