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Pieces

Texting on My Laptop
19
MAG '21-'22   •   February 2019
Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Sarah, sorry.  Me: I didn’t realize hitt…
Amnesia
1
GPL '21-'22   •   October 2019
– John? I mean uh, excuse me random stranger? – What do you want? – I have amne…
Larry Buys Condoms
20
BWM '19-'21   •   March 2020
Larry: Hey, can I get some rubbers.  Clerk: Yeah, sure, what kind of johnny you looking for, …
Fire Department Tour
20
SWR '19-'20   •   March 2020
Fire Chief: And this here’s where we do our laundry—(alarm goes off) Oof, sorry kids, t…
At a wedding reception
9
SWR '19-'20   •   October 2020
Well, here goes nothing… (jumps up on table) Ahem! Mr. and Mrs. Martinez, I can’t le…
My PG Movie
20
PKS '21-'22   •   May 2023
‘PG’ stands for ‘Parental Guidance.’ I know all about this because I am an …
Hell
13
MAG '21-'22   •   November 2020
There’s a special place in hell for weird guys who can’t be kept in the regular part of…
Voice-Activated Lights
155
SMR '25   •   March 2023
— I’m excited to see your new place finally.— Here, let me turn on the lights. AH…
Run To End Lung Cancer
69
JLN '21-22   •  
Me: The runners, they’re all...? Ref: All terminally ill lung-cancer patients.  Me: Oh…
The Taco Bell on Beverly
30
HBF '19   •   January 2020
“Where are you going?” you ask the homeless man wandering down San Vicente. “Don&…
Party
48
JKF FOD   •   May 2023
Student: Don, man, what’re you doing at our epic party?  Don Quijote: Ah, you see, I wa…
One Man Car Wash
10
HJH '19   •   June 2020
– (standing on street corner with buckets of water, some rags, and a ‘Car Wash’ s…
A Day in the Life of Hamish Olsen, New York, 19
55
CDL '21   •   December 2020
She looked at him like a deer in headlights might look at someone if it had human eyes. Hamish had …
Litter
116
SMR '25   •  
I was born with so much upward vertical velocity that by the time I plunged back through the roof m…
Apology
17
EAT '24   •   May 2023
Thank you to the school committee for having me. You may know me as the woman whose son killed the …
Business Presentation
11
CDL '21   •   June 2018
ME: And by subverting double axial capital inflows we can mobilize revenue twice as fast. SMITH: I…
Late
204
JTK '24   •   January 2022
I look down at the watch tattooed on my wrist. It’s 10:00. Fuck. I look up at my wall clock t…
Eugenics
ASB '17   •   December 2020
– Looks like your baby came out of the eugenics machine beautifully. – Doctor, that is…
Hamilton
140
JLN '21-22   •   October 2020
This is the real story of something that occurred to me in 2008. John Weidman ‘68: I hear we…
Glossary of Future Terms
10
MAG '21-'22   •   July 2021
Welcome to the Year 2435! Please step off the portal platform. Here are some words you’ll nee…