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Pieces

Guest Lecture by Joseph Campbell at University of Chicago, Transcript 11/24/68
33
JTB '20-22   •   December 2020
Good evening students. I’d like to begin by thanking those of you who showed up to this lectu…
Lampy Goes to Bartaco
63
The Harvard Lampoon   •   October 2022
What is the only thing Harvard students like more than telling people they went to school “ri…
Larry Buys Condoms
20
BWM '19-'21   •   March 2020
Larry: Hey, can I get some rubbers.  Clerk: Yeah, sure, what kind of johnny you looking for, …
Late
204
JTK '24   •   January 2022
I look down at the watch tattooed on my wrist. It’s 10:00. Fuck. I look up at my wall clock t…
Driving a Plane
42
EAT '24   •   September 2021
As I’m driving a plane down the highway, airport control radio crackles in, “Unit 332, …
Chaz's Adventures in Wonderland
37
EAT '24   •  
So I was sitting all up in this tree with my Tinder and I saw this white rabbit. And like, that ass…
Rhombus
326
JGB '25   •   May 2023
I have the rare version of the Midas Touch where everything I touch turns into rhombuses. It all st…
Bronze Age Teen Drama
123
JRD '22-'23   •   July 2021
Open on a mother and a son. In front of a forge. The work is hard, and the hours are long. -Mom, I…
That Guy
BWM '19-'21   •   March 2020
-Hey, who is that?-That guy, over there? I don’t know.-He must be pretty important-What makes…
The Flu Game
10
HFJ '18   •   May 2021
And Jordan moves left… Spins around Stockton… Wretches nine times and DRAINS the mid-…
Texting on My Laptop II
20
MAG '21-'22   •   March 2019
You have entered the chat. You have added Sarah Brickman to the chat. Me: Sarah Me: !! Me: ****…
Pool Rules
126
SEH '26   •   December 2023
Children under the age of 14 may not use the pool without a parent or guardian present, unless th…
Vanagon
13
MAS '18   •   December 2020
Ever since I was little, I wanted a vanagon. I worked for fifty years to get one — mailr…
Proposal
11
NSG '20-'22   •   December 2020
A successful relationship is about listening. That’s why, when my longtime girlfriend started…
A Retelling of Jaws By Someone Who Has Definitely Seen It
16
FSS '21   •   October 2020
Jaws…yes. Jaws is the story of a very big shark. Everyone knows that. Especially those who h…
Times That an Extinction-Level Nuclear War Would Really Suck
59
SAB '24   •   May 2022
- One day before technology that makes everyone live forever is invented - One hour before all the…
A Worry
10
BWM '19-'21   •   March 2020
Sometimes I worry that there is a GMO soybean out to get me.It’s all fucked up and has like w…
Apology to the Reader’s of Squid Digest’s April 2013 Issue
2
MAG '21-'22   •   September 2020
Readers, we would like to retract a statement we made in our most recent issue. After multiple onli…
World’s Luckiest & Most Depressed Person
229
JRD '22-'23   •   January 2022
Pam Jensen woke up just like she did every other day – at the exact moment that she could see…
Love Song
MFP '23-24   •   November 2020
This next song goes out to Janet Fisher, a very special girl in my life. Janet are you here tonight…