Artwork: AMC '23

Video Game Pitch

Author: JRD '22-'23
As seen in: What Have We Done #

Sit down gentlemen, I have our next hit game. You thought Sonic The Hedgehog made us rich? Well Sonic The Hedgehog The Hedge Fund Manager will have you up to your asses in cash.

First level. All those gold rings from last game? Straight to the hedge fund. Now those fucks at the SEC are on Sonic’s ass for money laundering. How’s that for a cutscene? Boom! Sonic. Courtroom. Witness stand. It’s time to stick it to the Feds.  

I hope you motherfuckers plan on pleading the fifth, because the boys back at the hedge fund need you. Buy! Sell! Buy! Buy! Short the DOW. Long the Agg. Hedge the S&P. Numbers everywhere. No characters, no buttons, fuck it – no screen, just numbers flashing like a motherfucker. Have epilepsy? Put the fucking GameBoy down and go get a popsicle, you worthless sack of shit. You’d never make it in finance. Sonic doesn’t have time for your bullshit. We need beta people, beta!! The investors are on your ass – answer emails round the clock while the traders breath down your neck. And don’t even get me started on legal compliance. You thought the lawsuit would just go away? Too bad fuckface, time to fill out an endless mountain of NDAs and TSAs. Then corporate walks in – and guess what? Fuck you. You didn’t make partner, you cocksucker. Maybe next year, if you’re still around. And another thing – don’t jump too late, or else you’ll fall into one of those holes in the ground. Then it’s game over for you!

That was just level two. Do that fifteen more times and Sonic’s on his lunch break. Had enough? Screw it – go home. Aw, there’s your wife. Psych! She’s an absolute bitch!! You weren’t careful enough with the mistress, and now she’s leaving your sorry ass. Say bye to the baby hedgehogs – but it’s not like you played the bonus level where you spend time with them anyway. 

Time for bed yet? You wish! You average three hours of sleep per night, and only that much since you’re popping pills like it’s nobody’s business. Press X for valium, Y for klonopin. X! X! X! Y! Y! X! Y! Get the exact pill sequence right and you might just pass out on the floor with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a pistol with one in the chamber in the other. 

Can’t sleep? Think suicide is the answer? Think again! Throw yourself under a train – do it, Sonic! – YOU STILL HAVE TWO LIVES LEFT. THERE IS NO ESCAPING THIS GAME!!!!