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Pieces
Lawnmower
21
MAS '18 • December 2020
Want to stop mowing your lawn like a quivering pussy? Then shut the fuck up and buy the GRASS-FUCKE…
A Man with a Limp and Three Glass Eyes
4
BWM '19-'21 • December 2020
Who am I? I’m the guy who sits in the bar all day and waits for some tall dark and handsome h…
The Woods
72
JLN '21-22 • November 2019
I bring you out here at the end of summer every year. You notice that? My father did the same. My f…
World Famous Worm
60
FOD '24 • December 2021
We had barely started the road trip when we started seeing the signs advertising the ‘World&r…
Vanitas
JLG '21 • October 2020
Dear Judging Committee for the American Society for Magazine Editors, I notice you have not been r…
Love Song
MFP '23-24 • November 2020
This next song goes out to Janet Fisher, a very special girl in my life. Janet are you here tonight…
Crowdsourcing Request
1
TBW '18 • December 2020
Hey Guys!I’m sending you this email to invite you to help with my crowdfunding campaign. I&r…
The Death of Kenzo Simmons
10
BWM '19-'21 • May 2021
-Welcome to heaven. Please state your name, occupation, and cause of death. -Wow, so you mus…
Cheat Codes for Ace Attorney
126
LKN '25 • May 2023
085888C8 60000000 Win every court case0452FDBC 10000000 Infinite evidence0452FDBC 0FFFFFFF Finite, …
WWE
28
ASB '17 • December 2020
Announcer: In the red corner, he’s your favorite all-American punisher, it’s Joe &ldquo…
TV Show Taglines
31
ZDG '20 • October 2019
-Babies vs. Cars: Will the underdog keep losing? -A car? Versus a baby? -This baby specifically d…
Churchill
22
MAG '21-'22 • July 2021
Winston Churchill, known for all of his political and military accomplishments, was also a Nobel Pr…
Red Dye 40
83
EAT '24 • December 2023
I walk in the door, yoga pants bunched tight around my middle-aged buttocks. My husband thinks I&rs…
Guest Lecture by Joseph Campbell at University of Chicago, Transcript 11/24/68
33
JTB '20-22 • December 2020
Good evening students. I’d like to begin by thanking those of you who showed up to this lectu…
Voice-Activated Lights
155
SMR '25 • March 2023
— I’m excited to see your new place finally.— Here, let me turn on the lights. AH…
Squigley
10
GPCP '22 • December 2021
Carl Squigley always had his nose buried in a book, which was buried in a still-flushing toilet. He…
The Black Death
50
YMC '21-'22 • March 2022
- Anne, mine old friend, I… I hast been touch'd by the bubonic plague.- Nay! Prithee, Margar…
Elvis Has Left the Building
63
Robert Carlock '95 • November 2020
ANNOUNCER: “Elvis has left the building!” TEENAGE FANS: “(Scream)!” ANNOU…
Texting on My Laptop II
20
MAG '21-'22 • March 2019
You have entered the chat. You have added Sarah Brickman to the chat. Me: Sarah Me: !! Me: ****…
E=mcBUTT
10
MMM '20 • February 2020
sigh No, Percival, it does not. But due to your father’s generous donation, I am… plea…
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