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Pieces

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Fight Song
4
October 2018
This is the fight song for John Wayne Gacy, the Murderer, High School.  JWG High We Love You …
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City Nights, 3029
11
May 2022
It’s Saturday night, and I’m looking for trouble. Shades. Scowl. Leather jacket in all …
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Trying To Write Mental Health Pieces When Your Mental Health Is Pretty Okay At The Moment
120
January 2022
You close your laptop, wishing you had something real to write about. The first three pieces about …
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Operation Enduring Freedom
October 2020
George Bush:  Good afternoon. On my orders the United States military has begun coordinated at…
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Cowboy Fantasies
March 2020
“I’ve been having cowboy fantasies again,” I mumble, before kicking through the s…
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Late
170
January 2022
I look down at the watch tattooed on my wrist. It’s 10:00. Fuck. I look up at my wall clock t…
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A Worry
2
March 2020
Sometimes I worry that there is a GMO soybean out to get me.It’s all fucked up and has like w…
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Tom and Jerry Spec Script
3
October 2020
Tom is strolling along the railroad tracks, whistling a happy tune. Jerry walks parallel to Tom on …
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The Royal We
August 2017
The Royal We was a sitcom about King Arthur and his loyal knight and roommate Sir Elton John Episo…
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Last Day at the Zoo
6
December 2020
After serving as head zookeeper for 25 years and chief hunting assistant during a disastrous week-l…
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Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me
September 2020
Peter Sagal: Thaaaanks Bill, it’s the week between Christmas and new years and we here at Wai…
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World’s Luckiest & Most Depressed Person
60
January 2022
Pam Jensen woke up just like she did every other day – at the exact moment that she could see…
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Real Estate Tour
3
October 2018
-And here’s the pantry. -What’s with these marks on the wall? -We marked our son&rsqu…
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Words to Console a Grieving Friend
4
September 2021
We’ve all been there, Gam-gam’s down for the count and you’re tongue-tied. Read b…
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Apology to the Reader’s of Squid Digest’s April 2013 Issue
September 2020
Readers, we would like to retract a statement we made in our most recent issue. After multiple onli…
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Street Fight
October 2020
Biker #1: You shouldn’t have knocked that drink out of my hand in there. Now you’re gon…
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Costume Party
December 2020
— Hey Brenda how’s it— jesus christ dude! — Ha ha fooled ya. Don’t I…
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Yo Mama So Fat
24
April 2019
-…is the best way I thought I could begin breaking this news, Timmy. I’m so sorry. She…
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The Count of Monte Cristo Returns to Marseilles
December 2020
Count: People of Marseilles! For twenty years you unfairly imprisoned me. Now behold my immens…