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Pieces

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Goin’ West
December 2020
Uh oh. I did it again. Fell asleep after all the kids got on the bus, so now I gotta get all these …
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Sometimes when I’m thinking…
2
November 2020
Sometimes when I’m thinking about doing something a little devil will pop up on one of my sho…
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Organ Harvesting
42
Dealer: Just give me the money. Buyer: Hang on. I want to see the goods first. (Dealer motions to…
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Prisoner’s Dilemma
38
November 2019
Sitting handcuffed in the interrogation room, I started to sweat. They had the room at a cool 65, b…
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Modern Day Barbershop Quartet
3
October 2020
Quartet: (singing) Once is a day at a time, twice is looking so fine! Customer: Neat-o! A quartet!…
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2020 International Video Game Awards Acceptance Speech
10
October 2020
Oh, thank you, really thank you so much. This award…it truly means so much to me. Well, it l…
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Driving to a Burger Joint
October 2018
“You gonna bring the shit tonight or what?”  Simon was riding shotgun in Bill Shi…
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Dropping My D-Hall Tray
October 2020
No, dude. No no no no this is not happening right now. I’ve lightly grazed the doorframe on m…
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Bulimia Recovery Clinic
74
March 2022
My parents decided to send me to the public Bulimia Recovery Clinic over in Toad Suck, Arkansas the…
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Crazy Parents
4
October 2008
CRAZY PARENTS are a huge problem for all of us. But are your parents crazy in a comedy way, or a re…
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If It Were Big Bird
May 2021
In 1986, instead of an elementary school teacher, NASA had initially considered Big Bird as their f…
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Biome
July 2021
Life ‘em up, boys. That’s what our sergeant used to say. Our job was to create the bigg…
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Krauts
10
October 2020
Legend has it while serving in the trenches in WWI Wittgenstein would masturbate to math. German S…
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Chimney Sweep
27
January 2017
Chimney sweeping is what I was born to do since I have no arms or legs. Doctors called my missing l…
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New Partner
19
January 2016
A cop’s #1 belief: I’m not gonna be the jerkoff that shoots his own partner. I live and…
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Waxing Thoughts
53
January 2022
“I understand your pain. I’ve gone through the same thing”:– the woman wa…
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Birthday Girl
13
October 2008
BIRTHDAY GIRL:  Tonight’s been unbelievable. You are honestly the most amazing friends…
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Driving a Plane
21
September 2021
As I’m driving a plane down the highway, airport control radio crackles in, “Unit 332, …
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Charlie and the Next Successor
10
November 2019
It was time for old Charlie to pick the next child to take over the chocolate factory just as Willy…